I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
