His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
