I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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