How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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