We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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