when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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