for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
