I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
