Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
