No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
