R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think people are normalizing furries
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
