i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
