dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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