dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
barbara walters just said penis...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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