your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
