I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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