That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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