There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
