Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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