I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
