Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
