One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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