my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
