it was like eating out sand paper
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
