You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
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chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
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This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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