11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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