haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
