Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
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So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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