i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
