i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Someone came in the potted fern
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
