My underwear smells like fireworks.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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