i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
