My underwear smells like fireworks.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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