If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
