You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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