Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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