Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
