Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
