Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
