are you still at the devil's house?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
