dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
