and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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