i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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