I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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