I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
