They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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