i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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