he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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