The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize