3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
