i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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