if you like me you must not know who I am
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
