I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
