My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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