i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
